WEIRD NEWS

09.09.09 The penultimate time this century that the month, day and year will line up again like that. After 10.10.10, that’ll be it. If you failed to notice that factoid, it’s now too late.
So here are some other little factoids which might have escaped your consciousness.

WEIRD CRIME FILE
An elderly Amish widower slept with a prostitute. That pro and her BF then told the widower that they had installed a camera in his bedroom and that photos of the tryst would be put up on the internet unless he paid them $67,000.

First question: where in a spartan Amish bedroom would one supposedly hide a camera?

Second question: while such photos on the internet would be humiliating for anyone, why would it embarrass this Amish man? His family, his friends, his congregation are all on Facebook? That’s crazy. Amish don't have toasters let alone computers.

Third question: why $67,000? Why would the blackmailers choose such a specific, odd amount? This is reminiscent of the “ransom letter” left for JonBenet Ramsay’s parents (which I still believe was written by Patsy) and which demanded the exact amount of John Ramsay’s bonus.

I’m not suggesting this extortion was an inside job 'though. That would make no sense at all. But then neither does this caper. (Maybe they got a bunch of payments and that's what they added up to.)

SIGN YOU HAVE TOO MUCH MONEY, part 1
A Chinese woman paid $582,135 for a Tibetan mastiff. She wanted this male dog to mate with her own female Tibetan mastiff. The dog arrived by train and was picked up in a limo.
Well, I should think so! (Note that the woman pictured in the news item is wearing a Michael Jordan ball cap. I’ll bet it was made in China.)
So now people in this Communist country are now dedicating themselves to conspicuous and ridiculous consumption? (See next item.)

What does the Commie label mean now? Or even “Socialist” for that matter. Is it just an insult like ugly? It seems to be thrown around a lot lately by people who don't even know the meaning.
By the way, that woman could have saved herself $582,105 by just adopting a stray from the pound. Much better idea.

SIGN YOU HAVE TOO MUCH MONEY, part 2
Reportedly (well, all right, it's the National Enquirer) a $82,000 gerbil habitat was custom-designed and purchased for Maddox and Pax (see later item) the children of Brad Pitt.
(Insert joke here: you should see the one designed by Richard Gere. Rimshot!)

HE ALWAYS DID CARE ABOUT HIS LOOKS
Latoya Jackson said that her brother Michael looked “absolutely fabulous” at his funeral last week. This despite his having died two months ago. He wore pearls and a huge gold belt like the kind a boxer wins. Tasteful to the end.

One hopes the allusion to the hysterically funny and also late British comedy by Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French was unintended. But come to think of it, there are similarities between fashion slag Patsy and Michael Jackson. (Both are anorexic, looks-obsessed, sunglass-wearing addicts who couldn’t resist good-looking boys.)
Maybe Latoya’s comment was more knowing than originally thought.

NICOLE RITCHEY HAD A SPARROW
No, not the bird. An actual baby boy which she and hubby named Sparrow. Seriously.
Let’s put it on the long list of inappropriate baby names that celebrities foist on their innocent and unsuspecting children. Apparently being the child of one or even two celebrities isn’t distinction enough. Add to that being saddled for life* with a bizarre name. It’s child abuse. And I’m not alone in this opinion. The creator of the Institute of Naming Children Humanely agrees.

Let’s make a list!
Apple
Ocean
Fuchsia (imagine what mean schoolkids will do with that)
Camera
Calico
Rumer (tricky spelling!**)
Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily
Jazz Domino
Blue Angel
Poppy Honey
Daisy Boo
Saffron Sahara (Edina named her daughter that for God’s sake!)
Denim Cole and Diezel Ky (tricky! Double bad!)
Hopper (although perfect for a pet frog)
Bluebell Madonna
Seven Sirius (stolen apparently from George Costanza)
Heaven (and spelling it backward is even worse)
Audio Science
Rocket, Racer, Rebel & Rogue Rodriquez
(That reminds me: Roger Clemens started all his children’s names with a K, the symbol of the strikeout. Hey, Rog! Why not start their names with an * the symbol of the asshole?)
Moxie CrimeFighter
Blanket (yes, just a nickname but for “Prince Michael II.” So this poor purchased and dangled child was given a name already occupied by a sibling and then a nic which might as well have been Binky.)
Oriole Nebula (another bird, perhaps where Nicole got the idea. Sure, sure, was Robin once weird, you ask. Well, I say: what’s next? Cardinal? I think the Catholic church has that sewn up.)
Pilot Inspektor (ah, the dreaded double whammy. Weird and trickily spelled. Super abusive.)
Kyd (Why not “Generic Child”?)
Tu (child—unknown gender—of Rob Morrow. Right. It’s Tu Morrow, in the spirit of Ima and Ura Hogg and Crystal Shanda Lear. Totally offensive to name a child a joke.)
Memphis Eve (They seem to give some of them normal middle names in possible recognition that Memphis might prefer to be called a normal girl’s name like Eve once she’s in kindergarten.)
Similarly, Luna Coco Patricia comes to mind.
Princess Tiaamii (invented and pronounced tee-ah-mee. This poor child is not only saddled with a title for name which creates all kinds of expectations and neuroses and invitations to abuse, her middle name is has a diabolical tricky spelling. As does the next one.)
Aanisah (Now how is that pronounced? And was it designed to come early in the alphabet like AAAA Locksmiths?)
Tahmel (Aanisah’s poor sibling of unknown sex)
Kal-El (not just a name from frickin’ Krypton, it’s hard to say, an added burden)
Jermajesty (the creation of Blanket’s Uncle Jermaine and incredibly egocentric.)

And in case you’re thinking that celebrities abuse their children only with weird names, I submit that ordinary names can be abusive in the hands of a celebrity. Frank Sinatra Jr., for example, never could live up to his name. (But then I'm not high on namesakes. People can't be Xeroxed.)

And then there’s the ultimate in celebrity egocentrism: George Foreman who has ten children (that’s a whole other subject in itself), half of them boys and all of them named George: George Jr., George III (which makes me think of the American Revolution), George IV, George V, and George VI. Wikipedia says that the first three are called “Monk,” “Big Wheel” and “Little George.” No mention of what 5 and 6 are called.

On the other hand, Foreman himself, appearing on the Early Show on CBS to promote his children's book, said that his wife tried to give them nicknames but then they became hard to remember.

His book, Let George Do It!, is the story of a dad called “Big George” with five sons named George, George, George, George and George, who band together to celebrate dad’s birthday. What’s egocentric about that? In fact, he says he wrote this book, ironically, to make kids named George “feel special.”

And then there are real names that should just not be pulled out of mothballs because of their associations:
Gulliver(If they have a girl next will they call her Lily Putian?)
Romeo (although Juliet has escaped that trap)
Aurelius Cy
And apologies to Latin America, Jesus.
Here I have to include Caesar, Napolean and Adolf. These are not only bad names for children, they're horrible for your dogs and are apt to produce untrainable curs. And that reminds me of one of the worst names ever for a dog-- Noah. Every time the owner said "No!" he'd wag his tail.

*For life or until said child grows up and changes it. See David Carradine’s son born Free and now “Tom.”

**And a further note on spelling. Tricky spelling is just a suck on time. The creator of INCH estimates that Amie's having to point out that it's A-M-I-E and not A-M-Y will waste 58 days of her lifetime. And that's not even to mention how annoying and boring that would be.